Archive for the ‘Dispatches from Diamondqueen’ Category

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My sister, Diamondqueen, writes the most entertaining e-mails. Often I wind up forwarding them to other people to enjoy. I’ve told her often she needs to blog, but she says she doesn’t have time. So, from now on, I’m going to start posting lightly edited versions of her missives here. I’ve given her her own category: Dispatches from Diamondqueen.

NOTE: I always refer to Diamondqueen’s husband as That Poor Man (or TPM). However, Diamondqueen doesn’t share my sympathy for her husband’s travails , so here and in the future her e-mails will refer to him by one of her nicknames for him, “Smedley.” Also, I’ve changed her kids’ names to the names I use: J.Hooligan for her 10-year-old son and S.Hooligan for her 6-year-old daughter. The cats and dog aren’t innocent, so I won’t be protecting them by changing their names.

from Diamondqueen, 10/08/2009:

See, I got up yesterday morning and wandered in the dining room to check  my e-mail real fast before J.Hooligan got up, and I heard this weird metallic pinging sound.  At first I thought it was something hitting the air conditioning unit outside the window, then thought it sounded like the vent (which made me nervous).

I went around the table to investigate and found it was Milky’s tail thumping against the metal IKEA filing cabinet thingie in the dining room.  She was looking at something between the cabinet and that wooden cabinet thingie, and I thought maybe she had a spider.

I sat  back down to my e-mail, and 30 seconds later this mouse comes zooming by  with Milky on its heels and [the mouse] goes behind my refrigerator.  I sat there for a good three solid minutes trying to figure out what the hell to DO.  It was 6:30 in the morning, and I didn’t relish hauling my husband out of bed, but I also didn’t relish moving the refrigerator myself and dealing with whatever might happen.

Milky, meanwhile, is sitting a foot from the refrigerator, staring intently. Snickers comes wandering in at one point, and Milky gives  her this dumb look as if to say “you won’t BELIEVE what I got back there.”   So, after J.Hooligan got on the bus, I ran up to Mom’s for her humane mousetrap and  put cheese in it and stuck it by the fridge.  Of course, I didn’t know if the mouse was still back there because Milky wandered away occasionally and  Mom said the thing was probably elsewhere (which didn’t make me feel any too comfortable).

All day I kept checking the trap and I even  thoroughly cleaned the kitchen, moving all the furniture and vacuuming up any minute crumbs and wiping down baseboards. Smedley didn’t want to move the fridge, mumbling something about “it’ll come out when it’s ready” before going back to his computer.  I even used the hose on the vac to get the sides of the fridge, figuring if there was a mouse back there that would scare him loose. Nothin’ happened.

I took S.Hooligan to art class (which she seemed to  really enjoy and she did a nice scarecrow picture) and then dropped her and grabbed J. and took him to swimming. We get back from swimming, and I put  the garbage out and I go to check my e-mail and I find Milky to the left of  my chair, her head between the trash can and the little filing thingie I have  on the floor.  She didn’t run when I approached, which she does anytime  somebody comes near her, so I called for Smedley and told him the mouse must be  back there. He goes over and looks behind the trash can and says “there’s  nothing there.” I couldn’t believe it. I said “are you SURE?” and he said, “I don’t see it” and went back upstairs.

I move the trash can myself and the  recycling can to the left of my desk and nothing runs out, so I sit down at  the desk and make a comment to S. that the thing’ll probably run across my feet. A minute later I heard something behind me, and I look back to see Milky on her hind legs with her front paws on that plastic box full of Dad’s  paperwork, and that tail is going back and forth. Suddenly the mouse darts  out from behind it, across the dining room with Milky right behind. I let  out a shriek (more because I don’t want to see the mouse sticking out of her  mouth than because of the mouse itself) and race to the stairs screaming for Smedley.  HE takes his good-natured time and I had to shriek again for him to get the hell downstairs.

Finally he comes sauntering down with me  screaming that Milky’s chasing it in the dining room.  Just then we see the  mouse race through the kitchen to the family room with Milky behind.  She  chases it under the entertainment center, and Smedley mumbles, “I don’t know WHEN  it’ll come out of there.”  I scream “it’ll come out if we move the  furniture!”  He was NOT going to leave and wait for the mouse to make an  appearance again.  So, I toss him a broom, and I grab one of Dad’s old bathroom trash cans which happened to be sitting nearby.  Smedley starts moving,  poking under the entertainment center while Milky circles the area waiting  for her treat.  Finally the thing darts out and under the little wicker thing,  and Smedley moves that and it took off towards the window, then dodged the broom and the cat and ran back around under the wicker thing.  Smedley finally manages to corner it and throw the trash can over it.  I move the mat away from the front door and open it, while he slowly scoots the can over with the mouse underneath.

We get it to the door, and I move the mat up to make a little  wall to keep it from getting away, and he lifts the can and before he can  scoot it with the broom, the son-of-a-bitch darts to the right, under the mat  and is heading for the family room again. Smedley jumps in front of it, it goes  under the rug, we lift the rug and the mouse leapt in the air…

Finally Smedley  dropped the can on it again. I got ANOTHER rug and got them completely around the can. At one point Smedley wanted to see if I could slip the rug  UNDER the can and he lifted it slightly, but the [mouse] started to move and he covered it again…except part of it’s long tail was sticking out from under the can (Mom loved that part of the story).

Finally, on the count of three I blocked it every way I could with the rugs, Bill lifted the can and  simultaneously whacked at it with the broom, and [the mouse] raced away into the bushes. I bet any neighbor looking our direction got a great show for awhile at our front door.

Milky spent the rest of the night lying in front of the entertainment center, peering beneath it like “where the hell  did my mouse go?”  This morning there were tons of dust bunnies all over where she had been digging her paw under there looking for her mouse.  All I can say is that mouse was damn lucky I’m an animal lover and can’t stand  seeing one thing eat another. What kind of a dumb-ass mouse comes in a house with TWO cats?  That thing better have learned his lesson because if he comes in here again…

Before it turned up again, I had visions of Milky catching  it in the night and me waking up to find a “present” on my chest.


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